Complicated You

Complicated you, you gave your heart, gave your soul up to
someone new
But now you’re all alone; crying ever jaded
Your knew the time would come but it was so much easier to stay
than run
You’d even hope and pray that feelings hadn’t faded

Then you left and tried to leave the pain
But it would follow every step you’d take
Lesson learned in never knowing what lay just ahead
Or how to hold to love despite the battle in your head

Now it’s been so long; you’re tired—worn out from always
being strong
And then you finally break from always trying to save it
Ever more to ache, ever in hurting in anguish,
enduring shame
And then on fallen knees you pray that you can make it.

Left a life, a home, a broken soul to heal
Every moment hiding how you feel
Haunting memories of joy haven't known since then
Always dreaming just to wake up all alone again.

Pick yourself up
And dream
Lift up your eyes
And see.
Just a short time
To try
And forget each time
You cried

When you find the dawn, reach out, grip tight and just
hold on
Never let it go, the tunnel dark is ending
Just stay on the road; soon the day will come when you can
let it go
And then you’ll feel the warmth the sun is always sending

One day you’ll look back from the light of the springtime
maybe even laugh
At the winter gone and sorrows you were tending.

Puppies and Kittens

After reading a friends post, and after agreeing with her, I will tell you a story.

Jimmy was going to be a new dad. Jimmy was going to have a new little girl.

Jimmy's little girl was born, and as is always the case, her head was slightly... out of shape. Jimmy looked as if he'd just seen the alien come out of John Hurt - in the less serious Spaceballs version of course.

The nurses reassured him that it just needed to be pushed back and that it would be fine, but there was no doubt in Jimmy's mind that babies are not pretty.

FIN

Puppies and kittens and children are always cuter after they start walking on their own.

The 'few months later' comment is also warranted. Here is my ever-so-cute niece 'a few months later.'

Grateful

It is the 27th, technically. Thanksgiving Day, 2009 has passed.

Here are the things I am most grateful for.

-My savior

-My family

-My intelligence

-Trials so severe, so traumatic and so painful that leaving the world would have been sweet relief --I learned more than many do in a lifetime.

-Shelter and food enough to make weight gain a concern

-Modern technology and all the conveniences it brings

-Music, music, music

-The greatest and most caring friends a person could wish for

-My best friend, who has been my strength for so long.

A Thought.

A friend asked me why I believed a certain film would cause more damage than people realized. The film was called New Moon.

I believe one of the many reasons people suffer from poor relationships and broken marriages, is simply because of a lack of real communication skills caused in part by gathering poor examples from television dramas and full-length feature films.

So many people do not realize what damage is being done. They simply don't seem to see how detrimental it will be to their relationships, and families-current or future.

There is so much more to be said, and so much more that I ponder on which will have to wait, but my thoughts have been on how to write on this subject for much of the day.

Much more enlightenment seems to come from conversation than writing alone.

Falling

Strange how spending a few years in an undergraduate program can mold thinking.

Looking at past posts, they really reflect little of my personality and what I think about the during the course of a day.

It contains little snippets of rantings, and only the thoughts that can be revealed without letting any common passerby into my soul.

I have a friend whose work seems to make a difference to people, He travels a great deal and seems to always have meaningful and uplifting things to write about.

I find myself stuck in a music program that isn't exactly conducive to this type of work. My work takes me many places, but I don't always feel fulfilled. I don't often feel I've made a great difference in anyone's life.

The performance world can be like that I suppose. My greatest joy comes from creating something that uplifts and heals; I've fallen miserably short in the past few years. I've been concentrating too much on me; perhaps it has been in order to keep a few readers thinking I have a sense of humor.

Perhaps it's for the sake of having a place to vent when the shallow and less-important thoughts need an outlet.

Soundproof

I travel quite frequently and airports usually have little glass cages, complete with dedicated ventilation systems to keep a particular breed of migrating wildlife from causing mass disturbance with their habits.

I am speaking of smokers. Not that they are bad people... I have some very dear friends who smoke like chimneys and I love them just the same. That said, I do not like or condone their habits.

I work and strive to make sure I'm clean and presentable each and every day. It's is just one notch below infuriating when someone lights up, allowing their disdainful smoke to pollute my clothing, hair, and nostrils.


I relate the above wildlife with those common in Utah Valley. I am referring of course, to those accompanied by rambunctious children.

That said, I love children. I adore children! They are (hopefully) open, inquisitive, honest, loving, and innocent.

but...

Small children do NOT belong in formal performances.

It is one notch above infuriating to have hours of work, backed by years of toil and training required to perform, reduced to a cacophony of chords and crying.

Perhaps parents don't understand what work is put into the craft. Perhaps they are so used to the distracting noises they don't notice. Perhaps they are just less intelligent that most.

The problem will never simply vanish, so I propose that:

- Every new venue and performance hall constructed in the state of Utah shall include a glass confine complete with soundproof glass and dedicated ventilation and sound monitors.

- All persons accompanied by young children shall remain in said confine with their children until the conclusion of performance.

- All persons wearing unusually large skirts or overcoats may be subject to search to avoid infiltration by young persons hiding in said skirts or overcoats. Large bags may also be subject to search.

- Persons insisting on speaking during performances will be required to remain with children in the confine until they discontinue acting like children.

- Persons clapping in between movements may also be required to remain in the confine.

- Persons using cell phones in any way - excepting sound recording - shall be removed from the performance immediately.

Ok... I'm done.

Forgive me if I offend, perhaps I just don't understand...

Perfect

Mistakes...

Every once in a while a series of amateur mistakes nearly kills an entire performance. So it was on Saturday evening.

The Synergy Dance Company was putting on a production, and I was the cellist-a very important part. I don't add this to brag, I simply wish to reinforce the fact that a cello in a large ensemble with only one cello is not something to be taken lightly when a three-night run of a production is concerned...

Self-forgiveness for less-than-perfect performance is something that comes rather easily to me now, but for some strange reason, this one has been a little difficult.

Perhaps the unexpected check (six times what I was expecting) has left me feeling guilty for a less than stellar performance.

Perhaps my not properly preparing for that night is what "keeps me up at night."

Oh well... time to focus this energy into a strategy that will keep this from happening again.

These things remind me not to be too hard on myself:

- Henry Ford forgot to put a reverse gear on his first automobile.

- Albert Einstein’s parents were told he might be mentally retarded.

- Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team.

and of course...

"The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one."

Elbert Hubbard (1856 - 1915)

Dreams a Plenty

I dream every night. Always vivid; always in full color; always...

Some are trivial, some are fun, some really hit home.

A couple nights ago, I dreamed I was in my front room. A very beautiful, very tall brown-haired girl was sitting next to me on the floor. I didn't look directly at her until I could see her looking at me. I looked up.

It was Rebecca, the girl I almost had the poor sense to marry, but who I had loved with all my heart.

Just a short sentence escaped her lips: "How are you?"

"Fine."

She then rose from her place and moved into the hall. I followed rather quickly, and stopped as she turned to face me.

From her came three more words: "I loved you."

Before I could plan anything better to say, words escaped from me: "I never did get over you..." Tears started their free-flow.

She looked up, moved toward me and we embraced as years of resentment, pain and misunderstanding melted away. I was happier than I have been for three and a half years.

Then I looked away for a moment; I looked at her once again. She was no longer there. Instead my best friend was standing in her place. She was smiling, and with a look of absolute joy on her face, asked if I really meant what I just said.

Nothing came from my mouth; nothing could. Words could not express what thought couldn't even define.

Then I awoke to a dark room.

A New Hope

One day while walking from class to the GT, I found myself following behind two people. One was a girl perhaps twenty years of age and a young man around the same age.

The girl was dressed as if she were going clubbing, and the kid was dressed in a similar fashion.

Usually the conversation goes something like this:

Boy: so, where are from. Like... around here or...

Girl: Yeah, here

Boy: that's cool, so do you like, have a lot of classes...

Girl: yeah

Boy: So... cool.

and so on and so forth. Boy is desperately trying to hold a conversation with Girl who - while likely a decent person - lacks the vocabulary to hold a proper conversation, or vice-versa.

Here is the conversation I overheard:

Girl: I think I'll do it, but it's like... so hard

Boy: yep

Girl: It's like, a long day.

Boy: You know what's funny? You have to walk to the bus.

Girl: You're so mean! (playfully)

Boy: So, do you think you're gonna make it with those stilts? (referring to her super-high cork-bottomed, high-fashion heels.)

Girl: You're so mean!

It was just refreshing to see a kid who didn't fall all over himself for a OC wannabe and who was unafraid to be himself.



p.s. cork platforms... Ugh.

Setting Another Day

Ft. Walton Beach:

It’s really a beautiful day here. I spend much of last night out on a small pier, and just watched as the sun fell into the western water. There was a breeze off the gulf—smell free—and the moonlight on the small breaking waves was perfect.

As it turns out, there won’t be much to work on until the replacement motors get here on Thursday... hopefully. It would have been really nice to have another day in Michigan, but I’m sure there is something here worth exploring—there always is.

I have been thinking a lot about BYU-H; there was a time when I kept having a strong impression that I needed to be there, but I never went. Instead I took a scholarship at UVU. I have many wonderful friends there, and teachers I adore more than words can convey, but I still feel it may be a decision I will always regret.

Someone once said: “The two worst words in the world are: What if?” Perhaps it’s time to go or let go. Maybe the beautiful, moist, perfect air is getting to my head.

I haven’t touched my cello for almost two weeks; it’s difficult not to dwell on how rusty I’m getting, but at least I won’t be destitute while attending classes; there is plenty of work to be paid for. Of course, I may become impoverished despite my best efforts; the LSAT is coming up in December, and the prep course is about eight hundred dollars. That reminds me... I’ll need to lighten the class load.

My final thought for the day:

Where is the pleasure in attempting—successfully or not—to destroy the self esteem of another? What is so delightful about tearing into someone who exhibits their vulnerability for just a moment—even when they know selfish and heartless people will likely exploit it? What semblance of self-esteem can possibly be gained by a cruel scorning of another’s well intentioned and heartfelt actions?

My friend once asked why people didn’t speak with her, or come over to start up a conversation... She is an attractive and generally kind person, but most people can tell—whether consciously or not—when they are being judged. Some people who lack certain social skills and who are rewarded by receiving any attention at all may not possess that ability, but they are a rarity, and are the ones who will keep ‘coming back for more.’

Explicated simply: a person cannot feign compassion merely to ease their own perfectionsitic mind because they feel guilty for passing judgment on others. Artificial compassion is easily discovered by those who do actually feel empathy and a genuine love of the all the strangers who share in this life’s joys and sorrows.

The moments in which one laughs at the attempts of another to communicate, reveal and reinforce a flawed character that only personal sorrow and trial will repair. Those who are full of charity, who are genuinely loved by those they know, and who are truly the most desirable to associate with often share the common bond of a difficult life. Be more like them; listen more than you speak; love people more than they deserve.

That’s my answer...

It’s time to head to the pier...

Just an update

I sit in an airport chair, comfortable in it’s own way. I’ve become used to them, the chairs that is. They’re just one more of life’s familiarities. It’s off to Philadelphia and the surrounding area. I’ll visit Jason and Muriel again, and probably take a look at New York again.

Jessica and I felt it would be best to cut off contact. I feel a little empty – she’s my best friend, so we’ll see how this turns out.

But back to the airport... There is a large flat-screen plasma monitor airing a story about a site called “Cute Things Falling Asleep.” It was funny to see so many of the people around me starting to smile to themselves. There are some endearing images – kittens dreaming, puppies dozing, children laughing in their sleep; it’s really heartwarming. It’s a nice change from the usual indifference displayed on the faces of the usual crowd.

Well, I suppose that’s it for today. I really need to get someone else to come with me one of these days; this stuff is way too good not to share.

Coincidence

Here's a little story:

I was in Chilliwack, BC - a town in Canada where the air is cool, people are friendly and the mentality of the general populace is summed up in one word: Absurd.

It's too true; I have the provincial newspaper to prove it. The general sense of the population is just not that 'common sense' that should be expected of most, at least in the states. Why is that I wonder?

anyway...

I was coming back from this place and decided that I needed to stop for meetings on the way to Seattle. My flight was leaving at 10:45 on a Sunday night, and I had plenty of time to go. I got onto the Church's website, looked up a meetinghouse and found dozens along the three-plus hour route to the airport.

I looked at one; hmm... that one seems ok... then another, and another until I clicked on one that looked just pleasant. I can't say what it was about this ward that stuck out while looking at my screen, but it seemed to be the best choice.

I traveled from Canadian Canadia, and arrived about 2 minutes late. There were wonderful speakers, and even a social get together after the meeting block. I got to know a whole bunch of new friends who suggested in the strongest possible terms, that I simply join their ward. I cut a deal. "How about I just stay for the baptism?" (a twenty-something young man was getting baptized that evening.)

When the socializing was drawing to a close and the food was being polished off, I found a quiet spot in the room opposite the font. I spoke to my sister-in-law just before entering, and then sat down to wait.

I had been there for about ten minutes when her (Muriel's) sister walked into the room with her husband!

"What are you doing here!" be both said one after another!

It's funny how things work; I had absolutely no idea that they lived in Washington, and what were the chances of running into them right there? After a night of games with them, and a quick drive to the airport, I thought once again of how often this kind of thing happens to me and smiled as I flew to meet her sister, and my brother on the other side of the continent.

I'm definitely watched over.

Clarity

I did it. I got some glasses. Hopefully the result will be something like this:



Instead of something like this:




So there I was, beautiful Atlanta, GA. I had a couple hours to kill before my friend was finished with work, so I decided to head to nearest mall and get some stuff done. I had a watch with a broken band-fixed it. The woman was far too nice for the typical jewelry desk salesperson; she did all the work for free, and didn't even charge for the part.

I found a kitchen store; for all who know me, it was a mandatory stop.

Then I walked around a corner only to see a wall full of frames in a store. "It has been at least three years since my last in-depth examination," says I.

I remembered of a discussion with my friend Jules... A quote in that conversation went something like this: "Why wouldn't you want to see!?"

I must explain... I have had better than 20/20 vision my whole life. It's been 20/10, historically, and I still can read the bottom line of any chart without much of a problem. Now I can read from 10 feet further back.

The interesting thing is this: I have been noticing that things aren't as sharp as they used to be, and I was thinking it was time to see for sure. As it turned out, I have a very slight astigmatism in the right eye, and very slight myopia in both.

I can see with such amazing clarity now - back to top shape.

And all for the low price of a couple hundred and a couple hours in a mall...

I love this country.

April 27, 2009

I was looking forward to seeing her. School was going to be over soon and I was excited to visit my dear friend. And then she was gone...

I was just thinking about her earlier this week, three days ago, two days ago...

I should have gone to see how she was doing. I should have made time. And now, well... now it'll have to wait until both our times here are finished.

There are two little ones left behind. Doing whatever they can to survive this; they will. It's isn't so rare, but it's always so painful.

I lost a friend yes, but the little ones, they have lost the lives they knew.

Those are my thoughts for tonight...

Welcome to ...

I shall be clear on one thing; I love warm weather.

I love spring weather. I adore summer and the warmth it brings. Now... Today is April 16th - yes, I realize that it is technically the 17th - but I haven't yet drifted off to sleep.

I woke up to 6 inches of show on the ground, and trees, and car, and everything else. It was cold, and basically miserable save the sad fact that I have packed on about 25 pounds for warmth, so I suppose it could have been worse.

I took some photos, mailed them to some friends in Michigan, and hermited away for a while while the snow fell from the trees.

I suppose it wasn't all so bad, just... different.

I suppose that's all for now.

Shapes in the Clouds

Well I wake up, it's the break of dawn
It's a shake-up. Has my world gone wrong?
Doesn't make any sense though
to go back to when I wasn't happy,
And it's strange to me.
Not to Be the kind of guy
That doesn't sleep before he cries
I can't believe that I was trying so hard to be fine
But I was loosing my sight and my mind
My sight and my mind.

And I'm sorry, that I've not been inclined
To hurry, but that will come in time.
Just relax, and reach back and sigh
And cover your eyes, we'll go for a ride
Go together now...

So wake up, it's a bright new day.
Time to make up, and let the bad dreams fade.
Don't you see, don't you know
That the show you put on
It isn't lasting, and it's plain to see,
That you've been hoping for the moment
You can open up and show them
That you're really something different
That you're learning and you're growing
But you've been loosing your sight and your mind.
Your sight and your mind.

And I'm sorry, that you've been so inclined
To worry; you're gonna be just fine.
Relax, look up at the sky
Remember to breathe
And open your eyes,
Let me show you how...