Out of the cynic...

I was reading a friend’s journal – strange I know. I was thinking of my own time spend as a cynical, angry and resentful teenager and young twenty-something and I wondered how much people really can change for the better in the span of five years. I also had to wonder how some people don’t change in the same amount of time.

For some reason I always expected people to mature emotionally as they age; slap in the face number one. I always thought that people were able to have an better understanding of the gospel they profess their belief in; slap number two. And I always believed people began to make decisions based on sound judgment, reason, and principle rather than what simply feels good; slap number three.

I’ve met medical doctors who will argue with their children about how they cheated while playing cranium seven moves ago. I knew a doctor who would throw tantrums in the operating room. I know some who hold Ph.D.s in psychology and cannot conjure the willpower to even pretend they have some semblance of sexual self-control. I’ve seen retired couples who still nourish resentment as they recall an act of injury to their ego suffered many years ago.

I experienced a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach while reading the words of a ‘faithful’ BYU student as they justified their acts of sexual abomination as something normal, and acceptable – even quoting Spencer W. Kimball in their twisted justification of ‘making out.’ I know parents who will justify their children in committing sin reasoning that ‘they will grow out of it’ or ‘it’s just a phase.’ I’ve seen grandparents who will spend hours absorbing pornography in the form of romance novels.

I often converse with young people who pray for answers concerning marriage, children, and other important decisions while living in a way that completely contradicts everything they have been taught, and believe their answers come from the spirit instead of their own emotional wishing. I even dated an emotionally immature, seemingly intelligent young woman who stated: “I do what feels good.” And I know so many who will finish their “People” article just before heading off to church.

I am not perfect. I do not claim to even be close, but I love my savior. I love my fellow beings – my brothers and sisters. I simply feel hurt when I see them hurting themselves and I while I have learned not to loathe myself for my own shortcomings, I still ache inside when I know that I have offended my creator, my father, or anyone who is here for the same reason I am.

I apologize for my state; I try to serve them, one person at a time, but I think I may have to simply admit that I may, at times, be casting pearls. I’ll be well in the morning, and I will write something more cheerful.

“A part of kindness consists in loving people more than they deserve.”

–Joseph Joubert

“Never write anything that does not give you great pleasure. Emotion is easily transferred from the writer to the reader.” –Joseph Joubert