Dreams a Plenty

I dream every night. Always vivid; always in full color; always...

Some are trivial, some are fun, some really hit home.

A couple nights ago, I dreamed I was in my front room. A very beautiful, very tall brown-haired girl was sitting next to me on the floor. I didn't look directly at her until I could see her looking at me. I looked up.

It was Rebecca, the girl I almost had the poor sense to marry, but who I had loved with all my heart.

Just a short sentence escaped her lips: "How are you?"

"Fine."

She then rose from her place and moved into the hall. I followed rather quickly, and stopped as she turned to face me.

From her came three more words: "I loved you."

Before I could plan anything better to say, words escaped from me: "I never did get over you..." Tears started their free-flow.

She looked up, moved toward me and we embraced as years of resentment, pain and misunderstanding melted away. I was happier than I have been for three and a half years.

Then I looked away for a moment; I looked at her once again. She was no longer there. Instead my best friend was standing in her place. She was smiling, and with a look of absolute joy on her face, asked if I really meant what I just said.

Nothing came from my mouth; nothing could. Words could not express what thought couldn't even define.

Then I awoke to a dark room.

A New Hope

One day while walking from class to the GT, I found myself following behind two people. One was a girl perhaps twenty years of age and a young man around the same age.

The girl was dressed as if she were going clubbing, and the kid was dressed in a similar fashion.

Usually the conversation goes something like this:

Boy: so, where are from. Like... around here or...

Girl: Yeah, here

Boy: that's cool, so do you like, have a lot of classes...

Girl: yeah

Boy: So... cool.

and so on and so forth. Boy is desperately trying to hold a conversation with Girl who - while likely a decent person - lacks the vocabulary to hold a proper conversation, or vice-versa.

Here is the conversation I overheard:

Girl: I think I'll do it, but it's like... so hard

Boy: yep

Girl: It's like, a long day.

Boy: You know what's funny? You have to walk to the bus.

Girl: You're so mean! (playfully)

Boy: So, do you think you're gonna make it with those stilts? (referring to her super-high cork-bottomed, high-fashion heels.)

Girl: You're so mean!

It was just refreshing to see a kid who didn't fall all over himself for a OC wannabe and who was unafraid to be himself.



p.s. cork platforms... Ugh.

Setting Another Day

Ft. Walton Beach:

It’s really a beautiful day here. I spend much of last night out on a small pier, and just watched as the sun fell into the western water. There was a breeze off the gulf—smell free—and the moonlight on the small breaking waves was perfect.

As it turns out, there won’t be much to work on until the replacement motors get here on Thursday... hopefully. It would have been really nice to have another day in Michigan, but I’m sure there is something here worth exploring—there always is.

I have been thinking a lot about BYU-H; there was a time when I kept having a strong impression that I needed to be there, but I never went. Instead I took a scholarship at UVU. I have many wonderful friends there, and teachers I adore more than words can convey, but I still feel it may be a decision I will always regret.

Someone once said: “The two worst words in the world are: What if?” Perhaps it’s time to go or let go. Maybe the beautiful, moist, perfect air is getting to my head.

I haven’t touched my cello for almost two weeks; it’s difficult not to dwell on how rusty I’m getting, but at least I won’t be destitute while attending classes; there is plenty of work to be paid for. Of course, I may become impoverished despite my best efforts; the LSAT is coming up in December, and the prep course is about eight hundred dollars. That reminds me... I’ll need to lighten the class load.

My final thought for the day:

Where is the pleasure in attempting—successfully or not—to destroy the self esteem of another? What is so delightful about tearing into someone who exhibits their vulnerability for just a moment—even when they know selfish and heartless people will likely exploit it? What semblance of self-esteem can possibly be gained by a cruel scorning of another’s well intentioned and heartfelt actions?

My friend once asked why people didn’t speak with her, or come over to start up a conversation... She is an attractive and generally kind person, but most people can tell—whether consciously or not—when they are being judged. Some people who lack certain social skills and who are rewarded by receiving any attention at all may not possess that ability, but they are a rarity, and are the ones who will keep ‘coming back for more.’

Explicated simply: a person cannot feign compassion merely to ease their own perfectionsitic mind because they feel guilty for passing judgment on others. Artificial compassion is easily discovered by those who do actually feel empathy and a genuine love of the all the strangers who share in this life’s joys and sorrows.

The moments in which one laughs at the attempts of another to communicate, reveal and reinforce a flawed character that only personal sorrow and trial will repair. Those who are full of charity, who are genuinely loved by those they know, and who are truly the most desirable to associate with often share the common bond of a difficult life. Be more like them; listen more than you speak; love people more than they deserve.

That’s my answer...

It’s time to head to the pier...

Just an update

I sit in an airport chair, comfortable in it’s own way. I’ve become used to them, the chairs that is. They’re just one more of life’s familiarities. It’s off to Philadelphia and the surrounding area. I’ll visit Jason and Muriel again, and probably take a look at New York again.

Jessica and I felt it would be best to cut off contact. I feel a little empty – she’s my best friend, so we’ll see how this turns out.

But back to the airport... There is a large flat-screen plasma monitor airing a story about a site called “Cute Things Falling Asleep.” It was funny to see so many of the people around me starting to smile to themselves. There are some endearing images – kittens dreaming, puppies dozing, children laughing in their sleep; it’s really heartwarming. It’s a nice change from the usual indifference displayed on the faces of the usual crowd.

Well, I suppose that’s it for today. I really need to get someone else to come with me one of these days; this stuff is way too good not to share.

Coincidence

Here's a little story:

I was in Chilliwack, BC - a town in Canada where the air is cool, people are friendly and the mentality of the general populace is summed up in one word: Absurd.

It's too true; I have the provincial newspaper to prove it. The general sense of the population is just not that 'common sense' that should be expected of most, at least in the states. Why is that I wonder?

anyway...

I was coming back from this place and decided that I needed to stop for meetings on the way to Seattle. My flight was leaving at 10:45 on a Sunday night, and I had plenty of time to go. I got onto the Church's website, looked up a meetinghouse and found dozens along the three-plus hour route to the airport.

I looked at one; hmm... that one seems ok... then another, and another until I clicked on one that looked just pleasant. I can't say what it was about this ward that stuck out while looking at my screen, but it seemed to be the best choice.

I traveled from Canadian Canadia, and arrived about 2 minutes late. There were wonderful speakers, and even a social get together after the meeting block. I got to know a whole bunch of new friends who suggested in the strongest possible terms, that I simply join their ward. I cut a deal. "How about I just stay for the baptism?" (a twenty-something young man was getting baptized that evening.)

When the socializing was drawing to a close and the food was being polished off, I found a quiet spot in the room opposite the font. I spoke to my sister-in-law just before entering, and then sat down to wait.

I had been there for about ten minutes when her (Muriel's) sister walked into the room with her husband!

"What are you doing here!" be both said one after another!

It's funny how things work; I had absolutely no idea that they lived in Washington, and what were the chances of running into them right there? After a night of games with them, and a quick drive to the airport, I thought once again of how often this kind of thing happens to me and smiled as I flew to meet her sister, and my brother on the other side of the continent.

I'm definitely watched over.

Clarity

I did it. I got some glasses. Hopefully the result will be something like this:



Instead of something like this:




So there I was, beautiful Atlanta, GA. I had a couple hours to kill before my friend was finished with work, so I decided to head to nearest mall and get some stuff done. I had a watch with a broken band-fixed it. The woman was far too nice for the typical jewelry desk salesperson; she did all the work for free, and didn't even charge for the part.

I found a kitchen store; for all who know me, it was a mandatory stop.

Then I walked around a corner only to see a wall full of frames in a store. "It has been at least three years since my last in-depth examination," says I.

I remembered of a discussion with my friend Jules... A quote in that conversation went something like this: "Why wouldn't you want to see!?"

I must explain... I have had better than 20/20 vision my whole life. It's been 20/10, historically, and I still can read the bottom line of any chart without much of a problem. Now I can read from 10 feet further back.

The interesting thing is this: I have been noticing that things aren't as sharp as they used to be, and I was thinking it was time to see for sure. As it turned out, I have a very slight astigmatism in the right eye, and very slight myopia in both.

I can see with such amazing clarity now - back to top shape.

And all for the low price of a couple hundred and a couple hours in a mall...

I love this country.

April 27, 2009

I was looking forward to seeing her. School was going to be over soon and I was excited to visit my dear friend. And then she was gone...

I was just thinking about her earlier this week, three days ago, two days ago...

I should have gone to see how she was doing. I should have made time. And now, well... now it'll have to wait until both our times here are finished.

There are two little ones left behind. Doing whatever they can to survive this; they will. It's isn't so rare, but it's always so painful.

I lost a friend yes, but the little ones, they have lost the lives they knew.

Those are my thoughts for tonight...

Welcome to ...

I shall be clear on one thing; I love warm weather.

I love spring weather. I adore summer and the warmth it brings. Now... Today is April 16th - yes, I realize that it is technically the 17th - but I haven't yet drifted off to sleep.

I woke up to 6 inches of show on the ground, and trees, and car, and everything else. It was cold, and basically miserable save the sad fact that I have packed on about 25 pounds for warmth, so I suppose it could have been worse.

I took some photos, mailed them to some friends in Michigan, and hermited away for a while while the snow fell from the trees.

I suppose it wasn't all so bad, just... different.

I suppose that's all for now.

Shapes in the Clouds

Well I wake up, it's the break of dawn
It's a shake-up. Has my world gone wrong?
Doesn't make any sense though
to go back to when I wasn't happy,
And it's strange to me.
Not to Be the kind of guy
That doesn't sleep before he cries
I can't believe that I was trying so hard to be fine
But I was loosing my sight and my mind
My sight and my mind.

And I'm sorry, that I've not been inclined
To hurry, but that will come in time.
Just relax, and reach back and sigh
And cover your eyes, we'll go for a ride
Go together now...

So wake up, it's a bright new day.
Time to make up, and let the bad dreams fade.
Don't you see, don't you know
That the show you put on
It isn't lasting, and it's plain to see,
That you've been hoping for the moment
You can open up and show them
That you're really something different
That you're learning and you're growing
But you've been loosing your sight and your mind.
Your sight and your mind.

And I'm sorry, that you've been so inclined
To worry; you're gonna be just fine.
Relax, look up at the sky
Remember to breathe
And open your eyes,
Let me show you how...

Question

I try not to go of on too many rants, but I have a question that comes to the surface now and again. Why does the dating life seem to move along and end in ‘success’ for so many. How is it they simply date and marry without all of the anxiety and worry that plagues so many others? Are they simply naive? Do they have any idea of what is actually ahead of them? Perhaps they just haven’t had their hearts broken and so are able to simply give it to someone they are infatuated with--thinking it is love. I suppose it doesn’t matter, they will grow into that love eventually. It’s late, and I really should be asleep.

Again.. a post

There are times in life when it is finally time to come completely out of the tunnel. There is always light at the end and the struggle to reach that end is eternal but there are some times when it is over and there is only to look back and laugh at the sorrows we've been tending.

In the blessed moments of peace and calm, and the coincident state of having an alert and open mind, one may observe the others who may not have reached the same place.

It is so important to practice the art of lifting and edifying those around us, for if we do not, it is nearly impossible to recognize that same uplifting support when received.

There is but one chapter left in this part of life and when the book closes, only joy at the experience of reading the story must remain.

As for the less cryptic and lighter side of life...

I am in Washington D.C. once again. There is a project to finish, which will take about two days, and then I will get to meet my niece for the first time. I haven’t seen my sister-in-law for a while, and I am so excited to see her too! Jason is spending some time in Georgia for training and will be there until October. I do miss him.

Amberly came from from her mission in Budapest on the 24^th; it has been more than wonderful having her back. She has remained my closest friend for so much of my life, and the discussions I am able to share with her have only become more introspective and meaningful as the years have bestowed their ever welcome gifts of wisdom and experience on us both.

The new semester will start again on the 27^th of August, and I look forward to it as usual. I enjoy school very much and I have even been accused of loving it more than is sensible or practical, but the truth is this: I enjoy anything I can do that is productive and fulfilling. I love what I do for work just as much as I enjoy living in the world of academia.

P.S. The dog is called Darth Vader. He lives at the range in Chantilly where I was finishing a project. He is the mascot for the Blue Ridge Arsenal in Chantilly.

From Place to Place

It’s really time for a few words from this wayward soul. I have been traveling a fair amount lately, and I find my time a little pressed. First of all, Chicago. I love the place. I was able to enjoy the ‘Taste of Chicago’ – a few blocks of food and fun. The planetarium was ‘entertaining and educational’ and the afternoon thunderstorms behind the city were a nice touch.

I was home for a bit and then left for Council Bluffs/Omaha. Good times in corn country, and beautifully humid air.

Detroit was next; actually, it was a suburb of Detroit called Novi. It was here I found a whole ward full of friends. It was disappointing at first, to be stuck in Detroit for the weekend, but when it came to leave I wanted to stay! I miss the green, the lake, the parks, the people - I will return!

Augusta is warm this time of year, but I can’t complain about the warm, moist air that is always a familiar, comforting delight.

Really Here

I'm back; I just have to blow the dust off this poor neglected blog. Ok, now I'm sneezing... Perhaps I'll write later...

Smile!

It has been a beautiful day; I promised to write today in an effort to counter the negativism so apparent in the last post.

I have been outside most of the day, save 90 minutes to hit up 24 hour Fitness. For some strange reason I have learned to truly enjoy working outdoors. It seems that the last few years have done something to change that around and I worry, at times, that a career in law would really leave me wanting in that department.

This blog seems to be so full of writings created when I was in a mostly depressed state and so I will take the advice of Joseph Joubert and write when I am the most happy. It has been a long time since entering that long and dark tunnel, and I’m really finding true joy these days, independent of others – at least to a point.

I found that surrounding myself with emotionally stable people was the most important part of just being happy. There is a time and a place to reach out to someone who may need a little boost, but one at a time. I think that has to be my new motto.

I’ve decided to start a project for my mother; her trees, lawn, garden, and other outdoor areas have been neglected for a few years, and it’s time to do something about it. When I was younger there was always some green grass to lay on; a warm place to read a book. There was always somewhere to have a barbecue with friends.

My dad wanted his yard to have plenty of shade, so he planted trees, too many trees by reasonable standards. The main bulk of work I will have to complete for this project will be the removal of excess trees and difficult pruning; it will definitely be worth every minute of the work. This project will also give me more time to think to myself. It is something I am finally able to do without becoming angry or frustrated.

Some thoughts concerning ‘butterflies’ came to mind and I have come to this conclusion: butterflies are simply a part of infatuation, they are nice for a moment, but can lead a person to do some very foolish things.

The thrill of initial attraction caused by the same chemical reactions which give rise to the physical sensations of fear and excitement are often confused for something more than simple physical appeal or the allure created by the enhancement of another's desirable traits through personal imagination.

Instead of thrill seeking, look for someone who creates in you a true desire to be a better person and who helps you be your best self without criticism.

Find someone who sees the qualities in you that you have a difficult time believing you have.

Spend your time with that person who would have no reservations taking care of you physically for the rest of your life even if some serious misfortune were to befall you tomorrow, and you were perhaps destined to spend your remaining days completely handicapped.

Find someone you can be silly and juvenile with while knowing that taxes and dishes will get finished without coercion.

Find someone who apologizes whenever they hurt or offend, even when it wasn’t intentional or was simply a result of your own insecure oversensitivity.

Look for someone who has different experiences and friends but who shares your values and beliefs.

Find someone you can converse with for hours and also sit with in comfortable silence.

Find someone who will challenge your intellect as well as your perceptions.

Find a person who leaves you feeling warm, calm and contented inside rather than shaky, clumsy, out of breath and uncertain. The real ‘butterflies’ will come as surely as age – over and over again.

Most of all, be the best person you can be for someone else; be the person you are looking for. The only person you can truly shape, mold, and truly improve is you.

“Only choose in marriage a man whom you would choose as a friend if he were a woman.”

– Joseph Joubert

Out of the cynic...

I was reading a friend’s journal – strange I know. I was thinking of my own time spend as a cynical, angry and resentful teenager and young twenty-something and I wondered how much people really can change for the better in the span of five years. I also had to wonder how some people don’t change in the same amount of time.

For some reason I always expected people to mature emotionally as they age; slap in the face number one. I always thought that people were able to have an better understanding of the gospel they profess their belief in; slap number two. And I always believed people began to make decisions based on sound judgment, reason, and principle rather than what simply feels good; slap number three.

I’ve met medical doctors who will argue with their children about how they cheated while playing cranium seven moves ago. I knew a doctor who would throw tantrums in the operating room. I know some who hold Ph.D.s in psychology and cannot conjure the willpower to even pretend they have some semblance of sexual self-control. I’ve seen retired couples who still nourish resentment as they recall an act of injury to their ego suffered many years ago.

I experienced a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach while reading the words of a ‘faithful’ BYU student as they justified their acts of sexual abomination as something normal, and acceptable – even quoting Spencer W. Kimball in their twisted justification of ‘making out.’ I know parents who will justify their children in committing sin reasoning that ‘they will grow out of it’ or ‘it’s just a phase.’ I’ve seen grandparents who will spend hours absorbing pornography in the form of romance novels.

I often converse with young people who pray for answers concerning marriage, children, and other important decisions while living in a way that completely contradicts everything they have been taught, and believe their answers come from the spirit instead of their own emotional wishing. I even dated an emotionally immature, seemingly intelligent young woman who stated: “I do what feels good.” And I know so many who will finish their “People” article just before heading off to church.

I am not perfect. I do not claim to even be close, but I love my savior. I love my fellow beings – my brothers and sisters. I simply feel hurt when I see them hurting themselves and I while I have learned not to loathe myself for my own shortcomings, I still ache inside when I know that I have offended my creator, my father, or anyone who is here for the same reason I am.

I apologize for my state; I try to serve them, one person at a time, but I think I may have to simply admit that I may, at times, be casting pearls. I’ll be well in the morning, and I will write something more cheerful.

“A part of kindness consists in loving people more than they deserve.”

–Joseph Joubert

“Never write anything that does not give you great pleasure. Emotion is easily transferred from the writer to the reader.” –Joseph Joubert

Build For Now and Always...

I have always loved the writings of C.S. Lewis. Reading his work often feels as if I am reading from the pages of my own journal. I cannot claim to be in the same league as this literary giant, but he had a way of placing into words, the thoughts that are likely pondered by so many of us.

His words:

There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations--these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit--immortal horrors or everlasting splendours. This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn. We must play. But our merriment must be of the kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously--no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption. And our charity must be real and costly love, with deep feeling for the sins in spite of which we love the sinners--no mere tolerance, or indulgence which parodies love as flippancy parodies merriment. Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses. If he is your Christian neighbour, he is holy in almost the same way, for in him also Christ vere latitat, the glorifier and the glorified, Glory Himself, is truly hidden. --C.S. Lewis

Just us

Mister X

There exists, in my head, a fixation on those who have the ability to read others. From fortune tellers and “Guess My Weight” booth workers at the local carnival, to federal detectives and CIA interrogators, there is something so very fascinating about a person who is able tell you something about yourself after only one interaction.

I met a delightful woman today. At one time she worked for the FBI. She would look at writing samples and determine, based on the handwriting, what kind of profile a person would fit into.

These days she isn’t working for the FBI, but she still possesses that finely honed skill. She is able to look at person’s signature, and accurately describe their personality type, emotional health, social preferences, relationship types, and so on. I was quite surprised to be read so well by someone I had written my name for once, and had only just met.

I don’t claim a peak level of enigmatic stoicism, but I do like to think of myself as housing some semblance of mystery and intrigue. Perhaps it’s all in my head; maybe I am just an open book...

Back on the Home Front

I awoke to a balloon floating just above the treetops. Interesting...

The holidays have been wonderful! It has been a very long time since we, as a family, were able to be together for Thanksgiving. There were so many wonderful stores to tell, and so many good times to be had. We went to my aunt and uncle’s home in Lehi ate turkey and pie—this is the first year I haven’t let myself get full—played music, sang songs, and just had a chance to talk.

The emptiness is finally starting to be filled, and healing is finally here.

On another note… I have a guilty pleasure… Yes, I watch Episodes of Smallville.

I can help it if I choose, but there is something that draws me into their universe. It could be the secret desire to have some semblance of control by money or superpower… Perhaps it is the drama of all the secrecy and the thoughts of “Just tell her!” that run through one’s mind. Either way, an escape from reality is nice once in a while.

Struck Down?

It looks as if the Birmingham trip is off and I say adios to a semester’s worth of tuition, but on the upside, I don’t have to make up a week of school. And... I'm sure someone is happy to have me here. :)

There was yet another performance Saturday with the Celtic Harpistry. I was too swamped this week to put in any real practice and so my own performance was less than stellar. It was a fascinating experience; I played at a Methodist church in Salt Lake. It was an actual service but the congregation was very small, perhaps 25 people total.

We played some hymns, some special vocal numbers, and listened to the spiritual messages. The people there all had a good spirit about them; it was much like sitting in an LDS church service.

Then the surprise... I was handed a check. It was more than I’ve ever been paid for 20 minutes of performing. I must admit, I feel like I’ve taken candy away from a baby.

Apparently, they take these services seriously. I have been so used to any performance for church functions being a voluntary effort, and as a result haven’t taken them too seriously. This one kind of hit me... like a bolt of lightening. Hopefully I don’t get hit for taking that check.

In other news,

It’s official, I live at UVU. Occasionally I’ll sleep in bed at home, but often I’ll find myself on a Love-Sac somewhere on campus. The life of a bum isn’t so bad I suppose, free rent, heat, water, restroom facilities. I’ll just have to figure out the food part and all will be well.
I went up to Logan to visit some good friends. We ate tiramisu, enjoyed church, “broke” into the choir room at the arts center, recorded some music, ate almonds, and had an enjoyable Sunday afternoon.

I’m glad to see my friends doing well.