Smile!

It has been a beautiful day; I promised to write today in an effort to counter the negativism so apparent in the last post.

I have been outside most of the day, save 90 minutes to hit up 24 hour Fitness. For some strange reason I have learned to truly enjoy working outdoors. It seems that the last few years have done something to change that around and I worry, at times, that a career in law would really leave me wanting in that department.

This blog seems to be so full of writings created when I was in a mostly depressed state and so I will take the advice of Joseph Joubert and write when I am the most happy. It has been a long time since entering that long and dark tunnel, and I’m really finding true joy these days, independent of others – at least to a point.

I found that surrounding myself with emotionally stable people was the most important part of just being happy. There is a time and a place to reach out to someone who may need a little boost, but one at a time. I think that has to be my new motto.

I’ve decided to start a project for my mother; her trees, lawn, garden, and other outdoor areas have been neglected for a few years, and it’s time to do something about it. When I was younger there was always some green grass to lay on; a warm place to read a book. There was always somewhere to have a barbecue with friends.

My dad wanted his yard to have plenty of shade, so he planted trees, too many trees by reasonable standards. The main bulk of work I will have to complete for this project will be the removal of excess trees and difficult pruning; it will definitely be worth every minute of the work. This project will also give me more time to think to myself. It is something I am finally able to do without becoming angry or frustrated.

Some thoughts concerning ‘butterflies’ came to mind and I have come to this conclusion: butterflies are simply a part of infatuation, they are nice for a moment, but can lead a person to do some very foolish things.

The thrill of initial attraction caused by the same chemical reactions which give rise to the physical sensations of fear and excitement are often confused for something more than simple physical appeal or the allure created by the enhancement of another's desirable traits through personal imagination.

Instead of thrill seeking, look for someone who creates in you a true desire to be a better person and who helps you be your best self without criticism.

Find someone who sees the qualities in you that you have a difficult time believing you have.

Spend your time with that person who would have no reservations taking care of you physically for the rest of your life even if some serious misfortune were to befall you tomorrow, and you were perhaps destined to spend your remaining days completely handicapped.

Find someone you can be silly and juvenile with while knowing that taxes and dishes will get finished without coercion.

Find someone who apologizes whenever they hurt or offend, even when it wasn’t intentional or was simply a result of your own insecure oversensitivity.

Look for someone who has different experiences and friends but who shares your values and beliefs.

Find someone you can converse with for hours and also sit with in comfortable silence.

Find someone who will challenge your intellect as well as your perceptions.

Find a person who leaves you feeling warm, calm and contented inside rather than shaky, clumsy, out of breath and uncertain. The real ‘butterflies’ will come as surely as age – over and over again.

Most of all, be the best person you can be for someone else; be the person you are looking for. The only person you can truly shape, mold, and truly improve is you.

“Only choose in marriage a man whom you would choose as a friend if he were a woman.”

– Joseph Joubert

Out of the cynic...

I was reading a friend’s journal – strange I know. I was thinking of my own time spend as a cynical, angry and resentful teenager and young twenty-something and I wondered how much people really can change for the better in the span of five years. I also had to wonder how some people don’t change in the same amount of time.

For some reason I always expected people to mature emotionally as they age; slap in the face number one. I always thought that people were able to have an better understanding of the gospel they profess their belief in; slap number two. And I always believed people began to make decisions based on sound judgment, reason, and principle rather than what simply feels good; slap number three.

I’ve met medical doctors who will argue with their children about how they cheated while playing cranium seven moves ago. I knew a doctor who would throw tantrums in the operating room. I know some who hold Ph.D.s in psychology and cannot conjure the willpower to even pretend they have some semblance of sexual self-control. I’ve seen retired couples who still nourish resentment as they recall an act of injury to their ego suffered many years ago.

I experienced a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach while reading the words of a ‘faithful’ BYU student as they justified their acts of sexual abomination as something normal, and acceptable – even quoting Spencer W. Kimball in their twisted justification of ‘making out.’ I know parents who will justify their children in committing sin reasoning that ‘they will grow out of it’ or ‘it’s just a phase.’ I’ve seen grandparents who will spend hours absorbing pornography in the form of romance novels.

I often converse with young people who pray for answers concerning marriage, children, and other important decisions while living in a way that completely contradicts everything they have been taught, and believe their answers come from the spirit instead of their own emotional wishing. I even dated an emotionally immature, seemingly intelligent young woman who stated: “I do what feels good.” And I know so many who will finish their “People” article just before heading off to church.

I am not perfect. I do not claim to even be close, but I love my savior. I love my fellow beings – my brothers and sisters. I simply feel hurt when I see them hurting themselves and I while I have learned not to loathe myself for my own shortcomings, I still ache inside when I know that I have offended my creator, my father, or anyone who is here for the same reason I am.

I apologize for my state; I try to serve them, one person at a time, but I think I may have to simply admit that I may, at times, be casting pearls. I’ll be well in the morning, and I will write something more cheerful.

“A part of kindness consists in loving people more than they deserve.”

–Joseph Joubert

“Never write anything that does not give you great pleasure. Emotion is easily transferred from the writer to the reader.” –Joseph Joubert

Build For Now and Always...

I have always loved the writings of C.S. Lewis. Reading his work often feels as if I am reading from the pages of my own journal. I cannot claim to be in the same league as this literary giant, but he had a way of placing into words, the thoughts that are likely pondered by so many of us.

His words:

There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations--these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit--immortal horrors or everlasting splendours. This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn. We must play. But our merriment must be of the kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously--no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption. And our charity must be real and costly love, with deep feeling for the sins in spite of which we love the sinners--no mere tolerance, or indulgence which parodies love as flippancy parodies merriment. Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses. If he is your Christian neighbour, he is holy in almost the same way, for in him also Christ vere latitat, the glorifier and the glorified, Glory Himself, is truly hidden. --C.S. Lewis

Just us

Mister X

There exists, in my head, a fixation on those who have the ability to read others. From fortune tellers and “Guess My Weight” booth workers at the local carnival, to federal detectives and CIA interrogators, there is something so very fascinating about a person who is able tell you something about yourself after only one interaction.

I met a delightful woman today. At one time she worked for the FBI. She would look at writing samples and determine, based on the handwriting, what kind of profile a person would fit into.

These days she isn’t working for the FBI, but she still possesses that finely honed skill. She is able to look at person’s signature, and accurately describe their personality type, emotional health, social preferences, relationship types, and so on. I was quite surprised to be read so well by someone I had written my name for once, and had only just met.

I don’t claim a peak level of enigmatic stoicism, but I do like to think of myself as housing some semblance of mystery and intrigue. Perhaps it’s all in my head; maybe I am just an open book...

Back on the Home Front

I awoke to a balloon floating just above the treetops. Interesting...

The holidays have been wonderful! It has been a very long time since we, as a family, were able to be together for Thanksgiving. There were so many wonderful stores to tell, and so many good times to be had. We went to my aunt and uncle’s home in Lehi ate turkey and pie—this is the first year I haven’t let myself get full—played music, sang songs, and just had a chance to talk.

The emptiness is finally starting to be filled, and healing is finally here.

On another note… I have a guilty pleasure… Yes, I watch Episodes of Smallville.

I can help it if I choose, but there is something that draws me into their universe. It could be the secret desire to have some semblance of control by money or superpower… Perhaps it is the drama of all the secrecy and the thoughts of “Just tell her!” that run through one’s mind. Either way, an escape from reality is nice once in a while.

Struck Down?

It looks as if the Birmingham trip is off and I say adios to a semester’s worth of tuition, but on the upside, I don’t have to make up a week of school. And... I'm sure someone is happy to have me here. :)

There was yet another performance Saturday with the Celtic Harpistry. I was too swamped this week to put in any real practice and so my own performance was less than stellar. It was a fascinating experience; I played at a Methodist church in Salt Lake. It was an actual service but the congregation was very small, perhaps 25 people total.

We played some hymns, some special vocal numbers, and listened to the spiritual messages. The people there all had a good spirit about them; it was much like sitting in an LDS church service.

Then the surprise... I was handed a check. It was more than I’ve ever been paid for 20 minutes of performing. I must admit, I feel like I’ve taken candy away from a baby.

Apparently, they take these services seriously. I have been so used to any performance for church functions being a voluntary effort, and as a result haven’t taken them too seriously. This one kind of hit me... like a bolt of lightening. Hopefully I don’t get hit for taking that check.

In other news,

It’s official, I live at UVU. Occasionally I’ll sleep in bed at home, but often I’ll find myself on a Love-Sac somewhere on campus. The life of a bum isn’t so bad I suppose, free rent, heat, water, restroom facilities. I’ll just have to figure out the food part and all will be well.
I went up to Logan to visit some good friends. We ate tiramisu, enjoyed church, “broke” into the choir room at the arts center, recorded some music, ate almonds, and had an enjoyable Sunday afternoon.

I’m glad to see my friends doing well.

Back to Back to Back to Back...

The update as promised...

School is in full swing again, more time at the school will be needed if I am to keep up this time.

I just have to throw in a little line in for Ron Bohannon. He is a philosophy teacher at UVSC. We refer to his type as cool, chil, maybe even just dude. He hates to be called "stud" by other men, says it makes him feel like a piece of man meat. I enjoy the class alright, but don't like being forced to take it. I think about these things enough already without having to refocus on them again and again. Supposedly these concepts are not well examined by the average college student...

They say it's for our good but I would already be lost in my own little world of deep philosophical thought if not for a pool of productive things to do.

Speaking of things to do... I really need to cut a deal with my instructors. I'll be in New Mexico from the 17-19 of Sept. and in Birmingham and then Florida during the first week of Oct. Work must be done, green must be gathered and debts paid off. If all goes well, there will be a nice little surplus with no debts eating at my little table of happiness, and I'll pass all my classes with flying colors.

I had a video of myself taken while dancing the cha-cha. I fear I'll have to jump from the highest point of the new library when I see it but if I do survive, I'll have no choice but to improve.

Chamber started today and I sat in the back... yeah, the very last seat. I normally wouldn't mind and hey, we're all friends here, but I pretty much botched the audition. *sigh*
It serves me right for not playing anything technically difficult this summer. I could also throw in that I abused my hands for a week straight just before the audition and they were cramping up but excuses are all bogus...

Till next time...

Remembered at Last

Has it really been over a month!? Yes, yes it has... Days have passed by too quickly it seems but fear not, I haven't even considered abandoning my writing!

I spent some time in the moral gettho of Utah Valley; I speak of course of Parkway Crossing. I could go on and on, but I'd rather stay in a good mood. Action Target is a part of life again, and to be honest, I missed it so very much.

I recently arrived home from the D.C. area where a single row of baffles on a firing range needed to be installed. For those of you who may wonder what I'm talking about perhaps the posted photos will help. Basically, baffles hang from on high to keep fired bullets from going where they aren't supposed to.

This armor goes up...

To keep this from happening...

Ok, enough about work, it didn't take up that much time, and the benefits of travel are what its all about folks. Because of the range sign off, and late flight back, we had some time to play and play we did! Kings Dominion and roller coasters were the perfect end to the trip. Unfortunately, cameras seem to have a way of flying out of pockets on such rides, and so reader imiganation will have to suffice for the lack of photos...

D.C. was where it usually is, more roads were finished, more memorials were erected, and it was good to see the progress. It had been a while since my last visit.

Art or accident?

Before the trip, I had a wonderful group discussion with Elders Richard G. Scott and Henry B. Eyring. So much was asked, answered and discussed. Of course, there is too much to write in one sitting, or even many, but one truth I'll never forget: these men care more for each of us that can even be expressed in words.

Well, it's time for me to leave for a bit, but I will write more often... I promise.

Ipkiss, Stanley Ipkiss

I had to take a step back today and look at a situation from the outside. Why on earth would I let someone gain such a hold? How I detest "The Game" It seems as though I will ever remain the incurable romantic. The good friend, the safe man.

Now for an update

I've only 40 days left in the Hotel Parkway Crossing; just as I was beginning to enjoy my stay, just as I was beginning to become comfortable, it was time to welcome the new flatmates into my abode. They’re great guys for sure eh, hailing from Vancouver Island. But now a comfortable living space is a bit crowded. My advice to those wishing to live here… don’t. It just isn't worth it! Soon the final credits will roll on the drama pit.

Apparently there is a real need for work at the good ol' Action Target. I have missed traveling so much I can feel the outside world tugging at my very soul. Overly dramatic? I'd have to say no. I was happier when I was able to make a living doing what I really enjoyed. Make no mistake, I've been happily working for some fantastic people, but it is truly time to move on.

I really loved school, and still do; not sure there is a point to all of it. 21 credits last semester with 20 hours a week on the clock and still it was easy. Perhaps it's time to push harder.

More shows with Kindred Voices have all gone well, and I thoroughly enjoyed performing with my musical family. The Celtic Harpistry is the up and coming, and with the story by NPR who knows! Code Hero is as Code Hero does, and stays where it has for a while now.

Amberly does very well. Jason was married on the 2nd of June. (photos later)
We sang, we played, we danced, ate drank and made merry in the purest possible way.

More to come…

Offset

I've been looking over my other postings and wow... That said, here's a little something fun.

I really do love those kids!


9th/25th Ward Paint War

A Mood

I like people, all kinds of people. I like the people in my new ward, such a sweet bunch of kids if I do say so myself. Friends make me happy; just being around friends makes me forget the past, and live in the now.

Generally I'm a happy person, especially around other happy people. I really do enjoy the fun and games but to be honest I'm tired, I'm tired of the game. I gave up the life I knew to play the game; I thought I had to know what it was about. Yep, life was great and going to be even better; I even had the ring.

Then I kind of saw what was coming, and how things would be if I stayed on the path I was on.

And that was it. It's been over a year…

Someone I thought I could trust said, "If he wonders now he'll always wonder." I suppose it's true, but I tell you what, I don't wonder anymore. And I don't want to play anymore. Another so called friend said, "You just need to do it." I was blind to the ulterior motive behind her words; I learned what sefishness can make a person say.

As for my happiness, I am happy for the most part. Sometimes I wake up in the morning with a knot but it dissapears after a while and I continue my day with a feeling of optimism and accomplishment.

As my 25th approached I remember thinking: How can life get any better! I was ever optimistic, upbeat, and excited to be alive. It seemed like there was purpose behind everything. I'm almost there again, but something is still missing.

Here's to the game…

I'm out folks…

Filler Post

A beautiful Saturday morning and I'm sitting on a sofa looking over some online profiles instead of hiking or something more productive. I decided to take a look at profiles of people I've never met and their friends to see what they put out for the world to see. I wonder why the online frenzy? Perhaps its an attempt to find meaning in life? Do they (and this includes me) just want to have their inner thoughts and desires professed without actually having to do so face to face?
For me, it seems like a good way to show the world, at least my own little world, that I have deep thoughts, needs, desires etc.

That being said, I wonder if it is truly an effective tool for getting to know people. It seems to show what people really are in some way. It takes a little reading between the lines, but it seems like people really do want to be known.

Now for another thought; every site seems to have a little spot where a person's religion can be named. I see so many people claiming to be Mormon or LDS with pictures to prove it. There are so many happy smiling faces in Sunday dress, at General Conference, with family, and so many other places. I really wonder how deep their understanding of the gospel really is when they display self named "sexy" or "hot" photos right next to them. I even saw a wedding photo of several bridesmaids right outside the Salt Lake Temple "showing some leg."

I'm not perfect, nor do I claim to be. Those who know me best can definitely attest to this, but I really do try to be the best I can be with what understanding I have.

…Just my thoughts for the morning.

A Thoughtful Update

At times I feel like an insecure child wishing for understanding. It's not that easy I know; but I would like it. I do in fact wish for understanding from those I actually find myself opening up to.

Perhaps I share too much, and yes, I suppose I am complaining. I have never been so naïve as to assume I truly comprehend everything, and I'm fully aware that I have many shortcomings. I don't ever regret time spent learning from others and especially teaching others. Building understanding does take time and effort but I often wish I could just skip all of the games and just find those with experience similar to my own.

Anyway…

I moved into my new place on Wednesday and admittedly was very disappointed. Carpets were dirty, walls were dirty, holes were partially patched, and the place smelled like… something bad. But the management really stepped up; the carpets were cleaned, leaky plumbing fixed, stove fixed, and all the other things that make student housing a temporary home were taken care of. The place smells great, the stove works; it feels like a home instead of a hotel. It's really starting to grow on me.

For the first time in a long time I spent the entire weekend very busy while doing absolutely nothing productive! It all started Friday with IMAX Spiderman III, moved to Johnny Carino's and then went from there to Ogden Canyon and a timeshare with old friends and great times. It was nostalgic, the Halo, the basketball games (though I've never been a huge fan of basketball,) Dumb and Dumber, Smallville and more Smallville and of course more Halo. I have Remy Zero forever stuck in my head!

And now for my final thought (yes, now is where you lean forward with anticipation!)

I simply spread myself too thin. I can see myself trying to be everywhere for everyone, but only seem to show others I won't be there when I say I will. I try to justify it, but come on Jarom… you should know better by now… just say it… just say no…

Time Well Spent

So there I was, sitting at the table simply enjoying my evening when I thought I'd take a quick look at facebook and see what some old friends were up to. I came upon a "note" written by good friend, a most intriguing story about... well… inner demons I suppose.

I was captivated by the disturbing account of a dream and so did not notice the eight inch knife ever so carefully finding its way around my right side. Only the flash of sharpened steel was enough to break me away from the grasp of words on screen.

With my instincts of self preservation in full gear I turned to face the attacker; a seemingly innocent creature of small stature and good intention with a look that echoed her question of "what?"

What indeed! The smell of cantaloupe proves nothing!!!

To be continued...

The Birth of a Jarom

I spent my birthday at work, pretty much all day. But! I really had a wonderful birthday! I had dinner at Ruby River, and yes if you must know I did eat steak after a small round of ibuprofen/tylenol.

It was just too good to pass up!

As far as the dentist goes, I have been cheating a little. I've been on my mother's insurance plan and apparently those things run out when you are 26, and guess what today was?

So anyway, my dear mother gave me a call and asked me if I would come up to the new office and have a checkup. While there, They found a few little buggers that we lovingly refer to as cavities. We all decided it was in my best interest to get them all fixed right then and there. A few hours later, I was back in the chair and done and numb even more hours later.

Needless to say, I do have a sore mouth, but come on! It's steak!

Simple Joys

Today is a nice day. Not one that brings with it jubilation, or thrill.

Today is a day you walk into, and smile. Let the sun warm your skin, let the presence of those closest to you warm your heart.

These are from today...

Jared

Muriel, Jason, Craig, Jarom

Mike

Ben, Mike

Looks like she's all his!

Decisions Decisions

I am a student. I life the student life, life with roomates, work a few hours doing something I do not particularly enjoy. All in all, Life is good!

I was a tree doctor of sorts, and a writer in part. I lived in my house, in my way, and with my own ideals.

I was a contractor, living out of hotels, under heavy stress, and impossible deadlines.

I was loved, loving in return, and living for that love.''

What next?

I like the idea of a daily quote.

Borrow trouble for yourself, if that's your nature, but don't lend it to your neighbors.
--Rudyard Kipling

Bells and new toys!

Interesting week no? I found myself competing in a dance competition today. It was the Cha Cha for us, and even though there were no medals, it was fun!

This week consisted of receptions, rehersals, and a valentines day that was quite memorable.
I suppose I should keep a calender of upcoming events. I'm actually really exited about it all, there are some upcoming performances that promise to host lots and lots of people. As I understand, it is going to be a full house for both performances. (This is for the Celtic group.)

I was rehearsing today, for the upcoming performances, and my eyes fell upon a new toy that I knew I just had to have! No, no, it wasn't an impulse buy. I've actually been looking for one of these for about 5 years now, and so I decided it was about time I got it (and there was much rejoicing.) Now I'll never have to worry about the feedback problems, the splitting wood, the worries about the effects of high volume on the cello. Oh yeah... the "toy" was a new cello. The performance variety. The practice variety. The silent electric variety!

In other news... I think the audition went well. There are always back up plans but if not, all is well. It would be very nice to have help with school, such things are always very appriciated.

As always, more to come.

Eternal Sunshine

I love "thinker" films. I think that Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is one to fall into this category. There are some memories I would love to lose. First the disclaimer: There are few people in this world I do not care for. I am by nature a kind and caring person, probably a little too much, even to the point of excessive people pleasing. Cross that with perfectionism and we may have a problem.

The point is this... I don't hate anyone in this world... What?! you may say. How is that possible? I don't know, I just don't. That said, there are some people who don't particularly care for me. I've been told that they hate me. What?! you may say. I'm not sure I understand either. I just try to do what's right. It's especially difficult when you care for them so much. To whom may be confused... I have a great story to tell. It's probably not something to post on a blog, but it makes for a great conversation, and if you want to ask, feel free.

Anyway, my question is this: Why do people revile in causing pain? What causes a person to crave misery for others? And how do people really live with themselves after devestating a life? The line between wanting to forever forget the past, and being ever grateful for lessons learned can be fuzzy sometimes.

All things will come to an end, even the bad. Enough of my ranting for tonight...